3 days out

3 days out of hospital, exhausted because I’m moving in my new accessible home as well as recovering. I’m disappointed in my movers the former landlady and her handyman husband. They were to pack my home move it to storage, find a home for my cat, move stuff to my new home, help unpack, for 1400.00. 850.00 down the rest upon completion.

Also, they received a 3000.00 dollar lazyboy leather chair, a good Specialized road bike 2500 new, a huge 5’x3′ framed painting by me valued at 8,500. They ‘lost’ expensive raku vases and a sculpture, a bust, gifts from the artists.

My kitchen and bedroom survived as did my t.v. and home theatre. My computer 4k monitor is broken, and several household items are missing or damaged. 10 trips to the garbage.  The packing and handling was done by cats apparently. Seems no living room furniture survived, or would fit in the storage I could afford, so they kept it.

They wish to charge me cleaning service when I paid cleaners 250 to do that when I went in hospital.

A week before the move they declined to unpack, labour shortage they said, I found a volunteer from the church at the last minute. How else was I to lift and carry with one arm?

They moved me 2 weeks early, and 3 days late, citing convenience for them, costing me extra 200 in storage fees.

So I withheld payment of the final 500, requesting that their insurance address my losses.

All I have received is a phone message to my email requesting my losses be addressed, citing obligation and guilt, calling my email ‘nasty’.

So what there is, is unpacked and setup. Exhausted, I decline to address the movers, since they are calling names, and guilt tripping.

Instead I am moving on with my business on the web, time to get to work.

My Work

 

 

 

Advertisements

The Daily Dis

The Daily Dis

The hospital is the loneliest place in the world.
I’m in my 6th month. 4 to a room of acute care men, snoring and farting
Non-nurturing nursing in the night flashing
lights in the eyes every 2 hours,
Mosquito men in white coats balancing the humours
letting of blood ritual daily at 6am
Spending the day half asleep, wraith-like, lost of purpose
Public no fixed address system seeks aid for 248a bowel routine
How are your bowels dear
Sordid questions and squalid needs
Anti-social workers manipulate with Fear Obligation and Guilt in the FOG
You can’t stay
your life continues at the homeless shelter
after all we have done for you
No salt, no flavour, no texture
Too much paper work if you wallow in your swallow.
Walking the talking over
interrupting because you slur
What could you possibly have to slur
that’s important to me
The daily dis
The television in every room constantly consumes quiet
No Peace for You No Place to Process
Go home if you want to get better
No home no family?
Loser
you don’t fit our Christian family
In this shrine to the scientific method
Our system of ill-health and wellness
Why did I have a stroke?
We don’t know, don’t have another one.

– Blackstock ’18

Whew! Welcome to my Roller Coaster!

Currently I’m in hospital searching for a place to live. My emotions are roller coaster. One of the places they’ve found, besides the threatened drop in shelter (!!!) is a religious organization called the Mustard Seed. They seem to have a serious problem with druggies and bedbugs.

The hospital arranged for an interview yesterday so of course I went. Showed my I.D. at the security desk and was shown to view the ‘large’ bachelor (200 sq ft) at double the current market value. All carefully calculated to extract all a person’s AISH and send them to the food bank next door. Oh, there is a urine test monthly. No overnight guests.

How does a person in wheelchair or a walker get their groceries up to their room? Is there assistance? We don’t offer that service. Oh, we dont allow personal possessions like furniture, bedbugs you know…clothes have to be heat treated…ummm I have dry mouth can hardly speak all of a sudden, may I have a drink of water?… we don’t offer that service…

So, upon leaving I am suffering heavily from the cognitive distortion: Life must be easy, without discomfort or inconvenience or I can’t stand it.

Consequently I then find myself:

Inflexible and unrealistic

I Over-estimates my right to a trouble-free life

I Under-estimates my ability to cope with adversity

I’m non-accepting of life’s vagaries

Then the various sub-beliefs kick in (now it’s a jet propelled roller coaster):

Things must go the way I want them to go.

I need what I want.

It’s awful if I don’t get what I want.

I must constantly worry about life’s predicaments.

I must control, avoid or change life’s predicaments.

I must make myself upset over life’s predicaments.

Making myself upset gives me the power to control, avoid or change life’s predicaments.

I must avoid, rather than face and deal with, life’s difficulties and responsibilities.

I must not be inconvenienced or made uncomfortable.

I cannot discipline myself.

I can’t stand the present pain that is necessary for future gain.

It must be easy to change things that I don’t like.

Difficulties must not exist.

I am powerless to change my circumstances.

Any effort to change my circumstances is pointless because it is doomed to fail.

Justice, fairness, equality, democracy and other “right” values must prevail.

I can’t stand it when my values are trodden on.

All problems must have a perfect solution.

The perfect solution to all problems must be found.

It’s awful if a perfect solution can’t be found to my problems (or those of people I care about).

I must not die prematurely.

I should be able to live forever.

It’s terrible that I will one day die and no longer exist.

It’s terrible that people I love will one day die and no longer exist.

My life must have meaning and purpose. If I can’t create meaning or purpose for myself, the universe or something supernatural must provide it for me.

I must not experience depression, rage or anxiety.

I must not have psychological problems.

I must not be institutionalized.

I couldn’t stand to be institutionalized.

I could never recover if I went “crazy.”

With these beliefs I have created the following emotional consequences:

Low frustration tolerance

With these beliefs i have created the following behavioral consequences: Self-pity

Depression

Discomfort anxiety

With these beliefs i have created the following behavioral consequences (potentially):

Procrastination

Shirking

Drug and alcohol abuse

Overindulgence in “feel good” behaviors (e.g., overeating)

Whew! Welcome to my roller coaster! So I ask myself simply, is there any evidence for these beliefs? Especially the one, I can’t stand it, my old stand by. I find there is no evidence, usually I am overestimating the problem and underestimating my ability to deal with it.

My anxiety lessons immediately and my brain seeks the obvious solution: if these fleatraps are twice market value, then why not go on the market to rent?

I relax at being able to see the obvious. Thankfully, I search other options, full of enthusiasm for this adventure we call life.

REBT self help form

Other people must do “the right thing” or else they are no good and deserve to be punished.

So. In hospital recovering from a stroke, watching other people have family come and care for them. Where is my family? The fuckers never showed. Why do I feel so abandoned and let down?

I created this desolation and anger with my concepts. They should do the ‘right thing’ whatever I as the supreme ruler of the universe decide that is.

I became as a consequence:

    Inflexible and unrealistic
    I assumed my authority over others
    I assumed a clear-cut difference between right and wrong
    I assumed my ability to inerrantly differentiate between right and wrong
    Placed myself at the center of the universe with others catering to my needs and wants
    This lead to conflict with others who also see themselves as the center of the universe
    Non-accepting of human fallibility

    I became my own victim of the following sub beliefs:

    Everybody should treat everyone else (especially me) in a fair and considerate manner.

    If they act unfairly or inconsiderately, they are no good.
    If they act unfairly or inconsiderately, they deserve to be punished.

    Society or the universe must ensure that they get the punishment they deserve.
    Other people must not act incompetently or unwisely.

    If they act incompetently or unwisely, they are worthless idiots.
    If they act incompetently or unwisely, they should be ashamed of themselves.
    If they act incompetently or unwisely, they should expect none of the good things in life.
    Talented people must use their talent.

    Everyone must reach their potential.
    People who don’t live up to their potential have little or no value as human beings.
    Other people must not criticize me.

    If they unjustly criticize me, they are no good and don’t deserve anything good to happen to them.

    This resulted in the following emotional consequences

    Anger, rage or fury
    Impatience
    Bitterness
    Resentment

    This also resulted in the following behavioral consequences

    Aggression and violence
    Bigotry and intolerance
    Bullying
    Nagging

      It came as a surprise that when I was abandoned by a mentally ill mother (whose husband, a coal miner, died of lung cancer) essentially at birth, I have always felt this way and held these beliefs. My siblings are even worse, dealing with them is a mine field of resentment, you never know when it will blow up in your face.

      This is the root to fascism, common to, and taught by, groups of all kinds. I learned it in church, seeking some order as a relief from the crazines at home. Authoritarian at best, fascism in the extreme. You can see it in the rise of Trump, Brexit, and other Hitlerian movements. Extreme religious movements have much in common as well and sometimes the not so extreme. Good Catholics all over the planet have shunned me and defriended me, in their Christian belief that I must behave the same as them.

      So I continually search out the evidence for these beliefs and failing to find any, I find relief.

      Here is my main tool:

      REBT Self Help form

      IF IT IS TO BE, IT IS UP TO ME

      ‘ You are so smart’. This is from the narcissist du jour. Since all they value is approval, in order to get it, they give it. That’s the love bombing stage. ‘You are so smart’ is the one my sister gave.

      I need money, toe nails clipped and similar squalid needs met (and ask directly for that), not to mention I am lonely, I could use some company was my response. This was after haveing a stroke and in hospital, half my body paralyzed. Umm I’m pretty busy….the undervalued and dump stages all in one.

      I didn’t tell her how wonderful she is…..(her drug)….was the accusation ‘of not being supportive’ as she threw that and similar rocks going out the door, the typical case book ( “Say Goodbye to Crazy: How to Get Rid of His Crazy Ex and Restore Sanity to Your Life” by Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, Paul Elam.), narcissistic relationship. I mean they have nothing to give, and are pissed off at those who expose that by asking, they leave and they make it your fault.

      So once again Lucy pulls the football away from Charlie Brown. Or does she?

      I have only exercised one option in how to look at this…..and devastation has been the consequence.

      Ok not so self helping.

      Very much self defeating.

      What or how can I use my power of choice to be merely disappointed even very disappointed instead of gut shot devastation? Well, I could look at it differently.

      As long as I expect a certain result, she should, I should, the world should…insert conditional acceptance here, I can expect pain.

      Ok I’m 4 years old again, my Mom said my sister and my brothers should take care of me, when she off loaded her parental responsibilities for my care onto them. They hated the prospect of losing their play time to care for their youngest btother; they hated me. One brother hit me every time he saw me, and emotional abuse was constant.

      To this day I have been saying that they should be a family and help me, despite the fact that this abuse continued to the point of restraining orders.

      Why should they help me and be a loving supportive family?

      There is no reason why they should. I’ll figure it out. I’ll talk to strangers and ask for what I want, accessing the help and resources I need when in medical care. I highly prefer to have emotional support, love and care, fom a kind loving nurturing family, but I don’t have to.

      If it is to be it’s up to me. – Albert Ellis’s magic phrase. (www.rebtnetwork.org)

      This is the way out of the no win situation, the damned if you do damned if you don’t, that was set up at birth. Narcissists love no win situations.

      Ok, they are the way they are. So they should be that way.

      In the meantime, my job is to figure out what good can come from this.

      Peace. I choose peace.

      That ain’t nothing.

      A Good Thing

      I sent out updates on my progress, both professionally and personally, on Facebook messenger.
      Some cunt reported me as spam.
      When I try to send a new post, Im not allowed to, to the folks that bitched
      This is like giving a man with a gun, bullets.
      The list of cuntage include:
      A senior Canadian curator that keeps getting fired, addicted to crisis,
      A former co-worker whose charming incompetence is glaring in the light of evidence,
      A former girlfriend whose underachieving skills are a crime against relationship,
      Various and assorted narcissists of the local arts community, the last one to find a chair gets smear du jour.
      I try to remember; they hate me for my empathy, for they have none, so I make them look bad, in their own eyes. Embarrassed and ashamed they lash out before they scuttle back into their dark holes of misery and depression.
      My list of well wishers gets more sincere every day, this is a Good Thing.