Rational Thoughts for Today

I dodged several bullets. When I was overweight pre diabetic and heart diseased, I quit sugar, grains, dairy, lost weight and avoided a life of horror of shitty diseases.

When I had a charming lover with personality problems I simply asked for what I wanted, I was assertive. She promptly left.

When I was a procrastinating smoker, I sought out my doctor, and learned to quit.

When my wife turned out to be a predator, I not so promptly started a new life.

And now I had a severe stroke, affecting my right side, mobility and hand. I entered hospital gave up my former life and worked on recovery, still there, and having success with walking, dressing, toileting, and eating to the point of independence. Soon to have my own home again.

All of these events accompanied emotions caused by irrational thoughts and corresponding fears: this shouldn’t happen, I can’t stand it, I’ll never get over this. All these concepts are lies. Based on evidence I have created my own pain.

The worst thing that happened is I had disappointment, sometimes severe, and I work consistently to overcome it.

Talk to strangers, ask for what I want and cease shitting on myself for overcoming obstacles, by simply focusing on, I am overcoming obstacles.

I have gratitude that stroke left me with a mind and a body I can work hard to recover with. It gave me retirement and an income for life and my education gave me a career in the arts for life.

And I am getting well.

This is a rational life.

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Pairs of Opposites are really the same Thing

Yesterday my stuff went into storage. I went into hospital with a stroke two months ago. It’s going to be awhile before I can get a place and operate it and pay for it.

What is crucial is how I look at it.

Self defeating or self helping.

The facts are, this isn’t awful or terrible. Awful or terrible means I will die from this. This is a hassle. I have to do workouts every day to recover. I work out every day anyway, I like it.

I live at the hospital because this is the best place to recover. I have no choice about that but I have choice in how I look at it. Some people at the hospital will never think, speak or eat again after a stroke. I only have to walk and use my righr arm and hand again. They say this will happen, it is happening.

My cat has a good home. Is it awful that I gave up my cat or is it good that even sick with a stroke I found him a good home? The truth is I miss my cat and I’m glad I don’t have the responsibilities. I miss my car and my household and I’m relieved to be free of the responsibilities.

So it comes in pairs.

I’m experiencing recovery from a stroke. I feel sad that it happened and determined to get better.

Sitting here having coffee and writing. Is it so terrible?

I, as an artist, got re-validated (in reality I’m always a professional artist with formal qualifications) by professional colleagues and it came along with this stroke. Funny how that happens.

I had felt estranged from the art community due to some smear campaigns by narcissists, ex’s and alcoholics mostly but I saw them as having influence in my professional community. The cognitive distortion is that a smear campaign spreads like wildfire. The truth is that people have free will and the power of choice, they make up their own minds. Anyway, I thought my career was over but I continued to make work and exhibit on the net. I was convinced that everyone hated me now. When I had my stroke I asked for help from a community aid program for professional artists, thinking they would find ways to disqualify me. I was convinced of it in fact. When they immediately called a jury to assess my work and my c.v., then immediately gave me the grant, it went a long way to heal a very major part of my life.

Likewise an internet friend, Cliff Eyland, a prof teaching art at U of Manitoba, heard of my plight and bought a piece of my art in support of me.

So having a stroke wiped out my old pain about career and community and I kickstartedĀ  my new life. Healing as I go.

Funny how that happens.