IF IT IS TO BE, IT IS UP TO ME

‘ You are so smart’. This is from the narcissist du jour. Since all they value is approval, in order to get it, they give it. That’s the love bombing stage. ‘You are so smart’ is the one my sister gave.

I need money, toe nails clipped and similar squalid needs met (and ask directly for that), not to mention I am lonely, I could use some company was my response. This was after haveing a stroke and in hospital, half my body paralyzed. Umm I’m pretty busy….the undervalued and dump stages all in one.

I didn’t tell her how wonderful she is…..(her drug)….was the accusation ‘of not being supportive’ as she threw that and similar rocks going out the door, the typical case book ( “Say Goodbye to Crazy: How to Get Rid of His Crazy Ex and Restore Sanity to Your Life” by Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, Paul Elam.), narcissistic relationship. I mean they have nothing to give, and are pissed off at those who expose that by asking, they leave and they make it your fault.

So once again Lucy pulls the football away from Charlie Brown. Or does she?

I have only exercised one option in how to look at this…..and devastation has been the consequence.

Ok not so self helping.

Very much self defeating.

What or how can I use my power of choice to be merely disappointed even very disappointed instead of gut shot devastation? Well, I could look at it differently.

As long as I expect a certain result, she should, I should, the world should…insert conditional acceptance here, I can expect pain.

Ok I’m 4 years old again, my Mom said my sister and my brothers should take care of me, when she off loaded her parental responsibilities for my care onto them. They hated the prospect of losing their play time to care for their youngest btother; they hated me. One brother hit me every time he saw me, and emotional abuse was constant.

To this day I have been saying that they should be a family and help me, despite the fact that this abuse continued to the point of restraining orders.

Why should they help me and be a loving supportive family?

There is no reason why they should. I’ll figure it out. I’ll talk to strangers and ask for what I want, accessing the help and resources I need when in medical care. I highly prefer to have emotional support, love and care, fom a kind loving nurturing family, but I don’t have to.

If it is to be it’s up to me. – Albert Ellis’s magic phrase. (www.rebtnetwork.org)

This is the way out of the no win situation, the damned if you do damned if you don’t, that was set up at birth. Narcissists love no win situations.

Ok, they are the way they are. So they should be that way.

In the meantime, my job is to figure out what good can come from this.

Peace. I choose peace.

That ain’t nothing.

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You May Rise to Find the Sun

I’m road weary. Been living In hospital almost 5 months, working out in a gym 4 times a day. I want to go home.

I love Enya

May it be an evening star
Shines down upon you
May it be when darkness falls
Your heart will be true
You walk a lonely road
Oh! How far you are from home

Mornie utulie
Believe and you will find your way
Mornie alantie
A promise lives within you now

May it be the shadow’s call
Will fly away
May it be your journey on
To light the day
When the night is overcome
You may rise to find the sun

Mornie utulie (darkness has come)
Believe and you will find your way
Mornie alantie (darkness has fallen)
A promise lives within you now

A promise lives within you now

You tube to Enya

More work on Photogaphize

Dear Jerald,
We will schedule your work in Photographize Monochrome, Instagram Monochrome and Ello the following day:
Jan 15th at 10:00 AM (NY time)
Thank you again for publishing with us. We hope to have more of your work in the future.
Sincerely,
The Photographize Team

http://jeraldblackstock.ca/featured/48-untitled-jerald-blackstock.html

A Good Thing

I sent out updates on my progress, both professionally and personally, on Facebook messenger.
Some cunt reported me as spam.
When I try to send a new post, Im not allowed to, to the folks that bitched
This is like giving a man with a gun, bullets.
The list of cuntage include:
A senior Canadian curator that keeps getting fired, addicted to crisis,
A former co-worker whose charming incompetence is glaring in the light of evidence,
A former girlfriend whose underachieving skills are a crime against relationship,
Various and assorted narcissists of the local arts community, the last one to find a chair gets smear du jour.
I try to remember; they hate me for my empathy, for they have none, so I make them look bad, in their own eyes. Embarrassed and ashamed they lash out before they scuttle back into their dark holes of misery and depression.
My list of well wishers gets more sincere every day, this is a Good Thing.

4 months later

Sept 12 2016, 10 days after my 64th birthday, I’m reaching for the toilet paper, and my arm doesn’t move. That’s it folks thats all the drama of stroke, it used to work, now it doesn’t.
Then it does again.
Get up get dressed and call 911. My leg only works sometimes it seems.
The paramedics show up and act like they hate their jobs. They really hate that I live up four flights of stairs. They make me walk down hanging onto the rail. They stop and chat with the pretty nacissist who lives downstairs, naturally, these guys never get laid. Eventually she turns to me and asks me how I am, finished talking about her dog. Well, Im leaving in an ambulance, how do you think I am? Scowls of disapproval all around.
They park me in a chair for 9 hours at the hospital, as I begin my slow decline. Eventually they got me a stretcher, after I fell and gouged open my knee. I drifted in and out of consciosness, at one point I heard a man yelling, we are to be called STAT! when these cases come in.
They did the MRI found the stroke and admitted me, where I continued to decline for 3 days into full paralysis on the right side, leg snd arm.
3 months later I was rescreened by the Neuro nurse of 20 years experience who admitted me. We never thought you’d get out of bed. I had been out of a wheelchair for a week, using a walker, walked down to meet her for coffee.
The therapist said, you will walk out of here dude, after you shake my hand. I was unconvinced.
So here I am. They say I am getting better cause I work hard, who knew?
This week I had meeting to be screened to go into seniors independant housing. My own place again, really nice. They say its mine, first up for availability.
I dumped a shitty courier job, a shitty condo full of crazies, a huge car loan, got a pension for life, and a full time art career, now that I had stroke that I’m recovering from. I mean all I have to do is exercise, and take baby aspirin, 2 years to full recovery expected.
Fuck, what an adventure.
Update:
Dear Jerald

Thank you for contacting us. We are happy to tell you that, we would love to publish the following work(s) of you in all our platforms: Photographize Monochrome, Instagram, Ello.
https://fineartamerica.com/featured/2-untitled-jerald-blackstock.html
Only 3% of all photos submitted to Photographize are published.
🙂