Spotting the Spots

So Ellis says people and things from the past don’t have the power to create a depression.  Only what I think about them can do that.

OK. So my sister shows up. Behaves the way narcissists often do, i.e. looking and sounding reliable but isn’t, so she should be that way, because she is, and I’m disappointed and depressed.

Seems irrational to want a leopard to change its spots. I mean I accept that it is a leopard.

The problem with a narcissist is that they hide their spots. And their claws. They manipulate with fear, obligation and guilt, which at the very least feels icky and at the worst is abusive and usually devastating.

So the self downing, leading to depression, starts there. I should have known better.  Why should I? They are experts at hiding their spots. There is no reason why I should.

I must be liked and do well, spot the spots immediately, or else I am a shit. She must not be the way she is or she is a shit. Life must be convenient, like not living in a wheelchair in hospital or I can’t stand it.

OK those are current events and not ghosts from the past at all.

Well the evidence is, she should be that way because she is that way.

How soon do I have to spot the spots to ‘do well ? A day, a week, or a month? I spotted it when I spotted it. That is what counts not some arbitrary perfectionist notion of how I should be.

Is there any evidence that I can’t stand being in a wheelchair and recovering? I have been standing it, I am standing it, so I will stand it.

So no longer depressed or ashamed but sad and disappointed, I make plans to move and ask friends to help. Computer friends and audio friends to handle equipment. Strong friends to handle moving. Talking to strangers and asking for what I want, help without shame.

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